I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The best revenge is premature balding
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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