She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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