1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
