Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize