His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
