ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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