i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
