i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
