Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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