it wasn't lemon gatorade
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
