Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
pray to the hookup gods
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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