sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize