Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
