Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
