I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
