what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
