Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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