omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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