the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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