I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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