Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
