Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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