she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
