Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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