You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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