we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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