Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
