you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
