i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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