Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize