1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize