you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
