Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Sober January is a disaster.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
