Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
