Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just forgot I was standing up.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
