i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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