just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
