the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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