He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
