you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He? As in you personified your dick?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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