i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
