I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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