I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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