she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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