I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
