Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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