i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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