I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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