Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
