I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
