Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
