The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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