david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
smell my finger.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
