You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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