He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I love you. Go after that dick
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
